Disappointment, Knowledge, Hope

Two years ago I realized and have continued to realize that I wasn't surrounded by friends as I had thought. That because I was the life of the party, the one that threw the killer parties, that was why there were these people. But when I really needed them, when for a piece of time my world was falling apart, they were gone and I became aware that I was for the most part alone... well in the friendship department. The only thing that kept me a float were the few good people I still knew in the world. Whether I saw them regularly or only once in awhile, they made me believe that there has to be good. I was and partially still am disappointed by the people that were in my life. Some people that I even kept holding on to for longer than I should have. But without those good people, there would be no point. No matter where I am with impatience, disappointment, or heartbreak, I have to have the thought that some where along the line it'll be good because who could truly live with nothing. I struggle now to see the good in some people and in some people there genuine goodness blows me away. I just hope with desperately needing to believe in good, that I myself am good. And that's all that I can try for and hope I do ok.

Exile

Tonight I watched the sky turn crimson. I suffered the vile injustice of losing a friend. He'll never see the wrong doings or the manipulations of evil. He'll never see the kindness of a true gift from a loving friend. Pettiest foe, horrible creature to twist and ensnarl him with deceit and betrayal. I watched the battles of human nature and sat with pity, felt the edge of a double blade. I watched the blindness curl into his eyes and disappear. I hope for his sake his luck will change and that the blindness never creeps into mine eyes.

Decisions, too many careers and no direction

Muse, typically a person considered to inspire great things in other people so why can't I be one. I hear from my family constantly that I have an overwhelming amount of ideas but with no direction. Wondering the earth with thoughts and ideas but no where to put them to use, I should be a muse. Over the past three years of my life I've thought and prepared to start over six businesses, I mean detailed them out to the point where if I had the collateral I could completely get them up and running. Same goes for my writing, I've started four different books and each are now respectfully sitting in their own binders waiting to be finished. At first I thought maybe I'm just not seeing these projects out, I don't have the motivation to finish them. Further thought lead me to believe or maybe talk myself into that something just always came up or a better idea popped into my head to jump on. Needless to say, this course of action has not gotten me very far. So, with that staggering realization dawning on me I know I need to make up my mind and get on track. Ultimately the point is to take a path that can gain considerable income or at least a livable amount with the bonus of contentment in a daily basis at work. Economically any self started business is an uncomfortable risk, today's idea might seem substantial, tomorrow not so much. At some point though if you want something you have to just take the leap and hope your shut opens. So, here goes to jumping and finding my place.

Cherish Everyday

I was forwarded this email which I typically never read forward emails but this one caught my eye and touched my heart so I just wanted to share it.

'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.
'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked. 'Puppy size!' replied the mother

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.' 'I know..... we have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office
'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.
'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed
'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.
Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.
'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'
'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.
'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said. 'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that
makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'

I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!!

Things that come to past.

Several months ago I made several drastic decisions in my life. I decided that I needed my life to take a more positive turn and in order to do that I needed to make some changes. My whole life I was on the outside of the popular crowd just on the edges between being just liked to being totally in. Not that I cared much but occasionally I wondered what people in the inner circles of these "in crowds" really felt about their lives. I was well liked and everyone knew me because I was genuinely nice to everyone not because I was rich, stylish, or popular by any means. So when I graduated high school I was fine with that feeling of not ever wanting to know what those "in crowd" people thought.
Many years later I had been through certain trails and tribulations and landed myself smack dab in the middle of a truly horrific relationship with all my former friends gone. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of regret. I had made such decisions that had cost me what had really mattered to me, getting my college degree and more importantly one of the most important pieces of life, the true friendships I had made not from the fakeness of popularity or money. I was quite alone and miserable as things were coming to a disastrous end. I went back to wondering what those "in crowd" people had done with their lives if they were still the same people only popular with those same friends and their lives never added to much or if they brilliantly glided through life with the same ease as they had in high school. So I did some leg work and find out that it was a split of both worlds.
So I decided to go back to what I had known to be the right path, got back in touch with some old friends and started to rebuild my life. Needless to say some of the decisions I continued to make didn't make my growth easy. I struggled between what I wanted and whether what I was doing was really getting me there. I went on a binge of hanging with friends who drank way too much, friends who are to this day some of the most selfish people I know, and people who truly weren't my friends. I spent over two years with these people who tried to be the "in crowd". Two years with being held back, out of control, and lost. All of which was my own fault. If I had been willing to work a little harder instead of taking the easy route I wouldn't have been in half the bad spots I had gotten myself into. I was in a rut and was still just as depressed, lost, and confused as I had been two years before.
After a misfortunate New Year's eve that ended with hurt feelings and abandonment, I knew I couldn't continue done the path I was walking. Real change had to be made within myself and my life in order for me to ever be the person I wanted to be, the person I was capable of. I walked away from my main group of friends, the people that we all called our entourage. Every moment I stayed wrapped up in the lies, drinking, and destructive behavior was doing nothing but harming my future and hurting those around me that really cared about me. Everything was cut cold turkey. I walked away from those people, stopped drinking, and started just working on everything from my career to my writing to my relationships with the people still in my life.
Life in that miraculous way seemed to prevail. My mood lightened and things got easier. Though I still struggle at times I realized after all that time that all those things that I had thought were important, truly meant nothing. The real things in life were up to me to find and no person or bottle would do that for me. For the couple of great friends I have, I'm lucky they toughed it out with me. For me the road I traveled was like all other roads, something I needed to learn all on my own. I'm just glad I'm on the other side.

Saturday Night in NODA with the Brandon McSwain Band!

Saturday night I headed out to NODA with my best friend Anna, a NODA virgin, to hit some hot spots for a little chill time and some fun. Our first stop was Amelie's Bakery for a little desert to start our evening off right. (http://www.ameliesfrenchbakery.com/). Amelie's is located right on North Davidson and has a wide range of delectables for all types of taste buds from tarts to puffy pastries and yummy french infused deserts. We stood for almost twenty minutes trying to make our choices. All of the baking is done on site which means top notch freshness. With two iced coffees, a pistachio tart, and chocolate layered cake we paid less than $13. You can't beat that when an iced coffee from Starbucks cost you at least $3 by itself (not knocking Starbucks, I love their coffee). The pistachio tart had a rich smooth taste and the lush warm chocolate from the cake filled our tummy's pleasantly for the beginning to a relaxed evening. Not only does Amelie's offer such tongue pleasing delights but there cozy atmosphere allows a comfy spot to enjoy some friendly banter, study time, or simply a writers haven away from home. We sat savoring our selections and chatting on the unique furnished features of the place including a truly incredible chandelier made of silver cooking utensils.
Leaving Amelie's we decided to walk the streets looking for our next stop. There is nothing like walking the streets watching street artists and viewing their work. We were lucky that David French was out creating a new masterpiece. All of his Charlotte paintings have a quirky little story attached including two about our friendly neighborhood penguin.

You can view David's art at http://davidfrenchoriginals.com/

From the heroic penguin our ears perked to the commotion across the street, playing at Salvador Deli was the Brandon McSwain Band. So we headed across the street to the outdoor patio to watch the band play. During an intermission we popped inside the deli wishing that our desert had waited. The smell of homemade bread, fresh meats, and fixin's fill your senses as soon as you come near the door. Next time I know I'm going to make sure I'm hungry enough to get something. They make their entire menu right their and not only were the smells so enticing but you'd think they'd have ritzy prices, think again. Salvador's offers a very relaxed environment show casing local artists, businesses, and of course live outdoor music for all ages since you don't have to be 21 to get in. We picked up a bottle of the chardonnay (Salvador's also has an eclectic selection of beers as well as the usuals for those of you who aren't much into wine drinking) and sat at a picnic table and kicked back listening to the tunes and enjoying the night air. Different varieties of people were there to engage with each other from local NODA residents, to upper class, to us casual gals, which gave me a welcoming feel and a since of diversity that I find lacking in several spots in Charlotte. And the band, yes the band has become another local fav band of mine offering a great combination of jazz and contemporary style music that had an energetic mix and kept the audiences focus, but don't just take my word for it check'em out online at http://www.brandonmcswainband.com/ .
NODA is one of my favorite spots to hang out in Charlotte and every time I'm in that area I meet new people, try new places and always have a great time. I suggest checking out any and everything I've mentioned and hope to all your Charlotte natives or new comers that you'll head on over and enjoy what this community has to offer.

Trying to find a daily grind.

So you hear people say regularly that they are just dealing with the daily grind. Daily grind meaning the routines of their every day lives including mostly their occupation. Well to this lowly blogger I'm searching for my daily grind and am finding it utterly daunting. I was laid off my corporate banking job a couple months ago thinking 'hey I've got skills, I'll find a job in no time.' EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WRONG! I haven't had a glimpse of a real job opportunity in months and needless to say going back to being a nanny part time isn't exactly paying the bills. I've found ways of course to get by, cutting back on certain things and cutting certain things completely out. But now as of late the daily grind of constantly looking for a new job is wearing on me and makes me wonder about those who are in a far worse situation than I am. To those people who are facing real hardship on the job front I applaud the ones still fighting and holding on to try to find something. Our economy is going no where fast and I hope all of you keep holding on as am I. Everyday I might wake up discouraged but I hope that all of you try as I am to just think positive and keep looking for your place in the workforce world we are now all suffering through. A word to some of you looking that I've learned recently is to try everything possible that's related to the job industry. Don't just sign up on one job search website, sign up to all of them and apply to as many as you can. Instead of that 8 hour work day you used to have, spend that 8 hours looking for work, trying different avenues of work, and doing whatever you can to possibly learn programs that could lead you to a different career (library resources really work and hey they're free!!!) And to the corporate bastards of America, yea you greedy low lifes who would rather continue to line your deep pockets then cut back to save your companies, just wait, your time is coming. Good luck to all you looking and for those of you who have jobs remember to appreciate them no matter how sucky they could possibly be.